Jokes for your delight and delectation - if you have some you'd like included on this page - email Jokes@RoySpeaks.com

Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service

Q: What do you have if you have 100 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road:

A: There a skid marks in front of the skunk

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A: They had pictures of lawyers on them..and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: Lawyer's creed:

A: A man is innocent until proven broke.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

A: Lipstick

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?

A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: It was so cold last winter... (How cold was it?)

A: I saw lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Q: A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

A:"$500.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

Q: "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

A: "Yes, the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer.Twice.

Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

A: He gets taller.

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

Before and After you fall in love!

Before     You take my breath away!

After      I feel like I'm suffocating. 

B         Twice a night.

A         Twice a month. 

B         She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.

A         She calls me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

B         Don't stop!

A         Don't start!

B         The sound of music.

A         The sound of silence.

B         Is that all you're having?

A         Maybe you should just have a salad, eh?

B         We agree on everything.

A         Don't you have a mind of your own?

B         Idol

A         Idle

B         I love a woman with curves.

A         I never said you were fat.

B         Time stood still.

A         This relationship is going nowhere.

B         Croissant and Cappuccino.

A         Bagels and Instant.

B         You look so seductive in black.

A         You're clothes are so depressing.

B         Oysters

A         Fishsticks

B         Passion

A         Ration

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the 'plane. He soon realises she's heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.

Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out "So, where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles and says "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen, sitting right next to him and she's going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks "And what's your role at this Convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes and says "I'm trying to de-bunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he asks, swallowing hard. "And what are those myths?"

She explains "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually, it is men of Jewish decent who romance women best on average."

"Very interesting," he responds.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you and I don't even know your name."

The man extends his hand and replies "Tonto.......Tonto Goldstein."

An American and a Japanese corporation decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American Team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions of dollars spent analysing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's

management structure was completely reorganised. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat, to provide work incentive.

That year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

And finally....

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE 90's IF.....

• You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different

• companies.

• Your company welcome sign is attached with velcro.

• Your CV is on a diskette in your pocket.

• You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

• You learn about your layoff on the 9 o'clock news.

• Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

• Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

• Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries'

• Annual budgets combined.

• It's dark when you drive to and from work.

• Communication is something your group is having problems with.

• You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

• Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

• Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

• You're already late on the assignment you just got.

• Dilbert cartoons hang on every wall.

• Your boss' favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your spare time", "when you're freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you."

• Holiday is something you roll over to next year or a cheque you get every January.

• Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

• The only reason you recognise your kids is because you have their pictures on your desk.

• You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

• You read this entire list and understood it.

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