Ivy Sea Online: Do You Ask the Right Questions?

WHEN THE QUALITY OF YOUR QUESTIONS AFFECTS THE QUALITY
OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH CLIENTS, EMPLOYEES & OTHERS

Inquiry — or asking questions (and then listening to the responses) — is one of the core building blocks of good communication. "So what," you might say, "I ask questions all the time." It's true — people talk much, but how well and to what end? The quality of your questions affects the quality of the information you receive and the actions you might take based on that information.

The problem?

I've never spoken with someone who believes (or admits) that he or she has a communication skill deficit, even when feedback from others seems to indicate that a communication problem exists. Most of us want to communicate well, and want to be seen as someone who communicates skillfully, but it's hard to hear about what we do poorly. So we don't ask many of the questions that would give us the answers we need to understand more accurately, take action more appropriately and build relationships more productively.

So here are a few tips for all those "other" people — you know, the ones who know they can be doing more to communicate more skillfully, thus building stronger, deeper relationships with employees, clients and others with whom they interact each day.

Why you don't ask (and what does it cost you)?

Why don't we inquire more deeply, ask certain types of questions? Several reasons, including:

• We don't want to hear the answer;
• We assume we already know the answer;
• We fear conflict or controversy (and emotional response);
• We fear we lack the skill to handle the response;
• We don't know what to ask, or what we don't know.

Yet not asking the right questions leaves our communication unfinished, and increases the likelihood for unproductive resentment, misunderstanding and, ultimately, conflict and tangible after-effects such as:

• Intra-office conflict;
• Decreased productivity;
• Diminished performance;
• Increased employee turnover;
• More missed deadlines;
• Increased client dissatisfaction;
• Increased client turnover;
• Lost revenue.

Practical action plan

Adopt an attitude of inquiry — As you know, our intention or attitude greatly influences our actions and their outcomes. Adopt an attitude of inquiry, of genuine interest in learning something new about the people with whom you work (or, if adapting this for home use, the people with whom you live). Aim for the goal of learning at least two things from each person that you can adopt in your behavior immediately.

Do a mini-audit — Drawing from your "gut instinct", make a list of individuals on your staff or client list that you feel there might be something "hanging" or unsaid, something blocking a completely trusting and satisfying relationship with regards to the work you do together. Visualize recent interactions, and see which of those offer clues to to where there might be tension, discomfort, unshared expections or unspoken questions. Who among them has never told you what makes them tick or what's most important to them about working with you?

Jot down a few questions — Take a few minutes, based on the list you created, to jot down a few open-ended questions that will allow you to learn more about the person, including their expectations and primary motivations with regards to your mutual work. What questions might you ask to gather valuable information? Here are a few options:

Employees
• What's most important to you about work in general (your career)?
• What's most important to you about your work here?
• If this organization was to change today, what would you hope would stay the same?
• What do I do that helps you do your best work?
• If you were advising a client on the highest priorities for encouraging the best work from their employees, what would you advise?
• If you were my advisor and had to tell me two things I could do differently or better to allow you to do even better work, what would they be?

Clients
• What's most important to you about working with a vendor?
• What would you not want to happen in working with a vendor?
• Picture the ideal relationship, where you feel extremely satisfied and well-served by a vendor. What specific things might the vendor have done to give you that impression?
• Picture your worst-case vendor nightmare scenario. What's that vendor doing to give you that impression?
• If we were going to adjust how we worked with you, what would you want to ensure we continued doing?
• What's the ideal way for you to receive information in order to feel completely confident that you have nothing to worry about?

What other questions might you add to this list?

Conduct a few interviews — Based on the questions you've prepared, ask a select number of employees, friends and clients for feedback. This can be an intimidating task, so remind yourself of the benefits you can gain by doing so: greater trust, deepened relationships, and information that will allow you (and others) to move ahead with greater satisfaction and productivity. How do you do such an audit? Simply schedule a time to speak with each person, perhaps over coffee or lunch, and let them know your intention is to get some feedback from them that can allow you to work together more effectively. Then pull out your question list!

Ask the question, then open your ears — Many people may tell us what we want to hear because they fear our response to the truth. Perhaps we've invited feedback in the past, only to squelch it with defensive reactions (or seemingly listened, only to exhibit the same behavior thereafter). Have a notepad and a pen handy so you can take notes, and resist the urge to interrupt while the person is speaking. If questions or defensive "yeah, but" responses do arise, ask another question (See the tip sheets below on "Listening" and "Tough discussion quick tips").

Incorporate inquiry into daily conversations — Now that you've gotten started, incorporate inquiry into your day-to-day conversations with employees and clients. For example, in a meeting about a new project, approach the conversation as an opportunity to ask questions versus just telling others what to do or what you will do. Inquiry allows you to arrive at the action list together. For ongoing projects, asking questions along the way helps eliminate the need for "after the fact" problem-solving.

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