| What to do when...
— An e-mail message inadvertently makes waves (does yours?)
— You "react all over the place", creating unproductive conflict
— You perceive that someone else "just doesn't get it"
— You assume you know what someone expects of you
— You find yourself flying off the handle, getting defensive
— Others resent your "self absorption"
— Colleagues think you don't walk your talk
— You don't attend to what you intend
— Your real agenda might be questionable
— You think you're being authentic, but others think you're rude
— You think a passive-aggressive is driving you insane
— You don't take feedback very well
— You give away your power, and then resent it
— You hoard information or engage in power plays
— You want your work to be more meaningful
— You want to tap the power of the handwritten note
— You're clinging to outmoded positions
— You'd love to find your ideal mentor
— Everyone seems to take things too personally
— You make a mistake and want to run for cover
— You don't ask questions (when a question would help!)
— You take offense (and jump to conclusions)
— You can't find the inspiration to fuel your daily activities
— You encounter socially irresponsible behavior
— You want to have the courage to be honest
— You feel like chaos is getting you down!
— It seems as if someone is always squelching your visionary ideas
— You feel as if you've been thrown off track, and want to come back to center
— You feel disconnected from others ... like a "lonely molecule"
Situation—Your friendly e-mail makes waves.
You’re having an e-conversation – sharing and expanding thoughts with a colleague via e-mail. You receive her response, which brings several ideas to your mind. You quickly type them into a response e-mail and send them off. You’re enjoying this dynamic e-brainstorm, so you’re surprised when you receive an e-mail from her that indicates defensiveness, as she’s apologizing that you might have misunderstood her. What happened to the creative cyber-brainstorm?
Tip—Take a moment to clarify and review.
We’ve experienced this several times here at IVC, and have appreciated the reminder to ensure common understanding of discussion parameters, ground rules and expectations, whether the conversation is in person, over the phone or electronic. We also remind ourselves to stop before hitting "send", and review our e-mail with the recipient in mind: have we clearly communicated the context of our message? Have we taken into account potential misunderstandings due to the lack of voice tone and body language "clues" when we use e-mail? Do you ask yourself these questions before quickly sending off a missive that might be misunderstood if you don’t take the minute to review it from the perspective of someone who’s not in your head?
Situation—Intentions
You're in a meeting with several colleagues, discussing the plan for a new initiative. Another participant has some specific ideas; it's clear she's given this a lot of thought. You find yourself reacting, negatively, to each idea she presents. "That'll never work here." "We won't get any support for that." "Yeah, but...." What's going on here? Are you disagreeing due to legitimate concerns, or are you uncomfortable with the fact that she, not you, has some great ideas?
Tip—Watching Intentions
Our intentions strongly influence how we communicate, and affect the results of our communication for better or worse. For the next week or so, notice when you're contributing to various conversations and make mental notes on the intentions behind your own conversation. Are you contributing because you feel strange staying quiet? Are you just needing to feel 'right'? Are you nay-saying out of legitimate concerns versus envy? Is your intention to help create positive outcomes or to point out flaws in others' ideas?
Situation—Judgments
You're scheduled to meet with your supervisor (or someone whom you supervise) about a topic of importance to you. You feel anxious because you believe the two of you disagree on key issues and there is much at stake. Your perception is that the other person just doesn't "get it," so you worry that real understanding is impossible.
Tip—Suspending Judgments
Judgments allow us to make our way in the world, and can even be life-saving. But our judgments often stand in the way of deeper understanding of, and collaboration with, others. A good first step is to simply notice when you're forming judgments, opinions, certainties. In the scenario above, if we suspend our judgment that another person "doesn't get it," for example, and instead intend to leave the meeting having learned more about what the other person believes and why, we might construct a bridge to understanding.
Situation—Making Assumptions
You think you understand what someone else expects of you. You feel like you were seeing eye to eye. Then, a misunderstanding occurs, and it's evident that you were using similar terms but meaning different things.
Tip—Clarifying Assumptions
Move from assuming to clarifying. Don't assume you know what someone else means, and don't just parrot something back verbatim. Instead, try, "Let me make sure I understand what you mean when you say..." then paraphrase your own understanding and ask the person if your interpretation is correct.
Situation—Taking offense, flying off the handle.
You're in conversation with a colleague who says she expected more from the report you just submitted to her. You can feel the heat rise to your face as you cross your arms and offer several excuses. Well, her timeframe wasn't long enough, and several other colleagues didn't get back to you, and so on. She shows mild irritation and counters your excuses. By choosing defensiveness and excuses, you've set the tone for the conversation.
Tip—Take a breath and ask a question.
This is a tough one, particularly if there are others within hearing range of the conversation. It's all too easy to "climb the ladder" and get defensive if we think someone's criticizing us. But you do have a choice in how you respond. Try one or more of these approaches next time someone criticizes you, and see if you don't have a more productive conversation:
— I feel like I'm being criticized. Can you tell me more about what you expected in my report?
— I can feel myself getting defensive, but I'd like to learn more about why you said what you did. Can you give me some more information?
— What could we have done, and what could we do next time, to help us get on the same page before I submit the final product?
Situation—Others resent your "self-absorption".
"What do you mean?" you might ask. "Of course I'm not self-absorbed." You might be right. Unfortunately, most self-absorbed people don't think they're self-absorbed, yet leave a trail of irritable, angry or resentful people in their wake as they progress through the day. These are the folks that walk four abreast along the sidewalk, forcing others into the street; or leave coffee grounds (or worse) littering the restroom, assuming it's the janitor's job to pick up their mess; cut ahead of others in traffic; and a litany of more mundane behaviors that just make them seem, well, rude. Is this you? Are you certain? How do you know?
Tip—Do an awareness check.
Set a goal for a day, or even an hour (such as when you leave the office to get lunch), to be aware of how you interact with others who share your office building, the sidewalks, the roads, your favorite lunch or dinner spot, the drycleaner, etc.
— Keep your focus where you are at the moment, instead of mulling over other issues or concerns while you take your lunch or run errands. Preoccupation often contributes to what others experience as rude behavior.
— Make a point to notice other people around you. How do they seem? What makes you think so?
— How might you seem to them? Why?
— How is your behavior during this exercise different from your usual routine? Was it "work" to stay aware?
Situation— Are you all talk, no walk?
You've spent considerable time talking about the new skill you are going to learn, or your spiritual practice or a project you're going to take on. Because you've been so vocal in sharing these worthy intentions or values, others are beginning to wonder, "Gee, when's he going to stop talking about it and start acting on it?"
Tip— Moving from talk to practice.
Thought precedes talk, and talk often precedes action. It can be daunting to move from talk to action, particularly if our goal for a new skill, project or practice is a lofty one, full of idealism or requiring considerable work. Actually being or doing what we envision can sometimes seem overwhelming. But take heart! You can take action toward your ideal today with these three steps:
#1: Understand that you're on a journey. Most skills, practices and many projects are longer-term endeavors.
#2: Don't idealize those you model. If you're seeing someone as the ideal of success, the best way to honor their expertise is to see them as human beings whose strengths may be more visible to you than their hard work and challenges (with which they're no doubt very familiar).
#3: Chunk down your ideal into practical, actionable steps. Don't know where to start? How about right here?
— Setting goals you'll actually want to accomplish
— Talk-to-action planning tips series
— Stop gabbing and start acting
Situation—Is Your real agenda questionable?
You’re offering to take on a project for a colleague, perhaps even your supervisor, while she's away on vacation. When offering to "mind the shop", you tell her that you just want to ensure she has a great time away from the office and doesn't have to worry about a thing. The problem? Your real intention is to circumvent her to show her boss that you're really the best one for the job she now holds. Whether you know it or not, you've got an ethical dilemma that may be more apparent to your supervisor and her boss than it is to you.
Tip—Give your motives an ethical review.
Everyone wants to do well and get recognition for skills, talents and contributions to the organization, but pretending to have higher motives than you do is playing a very dangerous game. In the example above, you'd be lying to your supervisor and encouraging her to have a false sense of trust in you. Needless to say, that could backfire in many ways, because your true, and less ethical, intention may be more visible than you'd like to think, leading to a loss of trust not just from your own supervisor, but her boss as well.
When offering to do something, or even say something, ask yourself, "Why am I really offering (or saying) this? Is it truly to be of service, or am I just trying to make myself look better?"
For more on being ethical, visit our Ethics Issue Portal
Situation—Are you authentic or just plain rude?
Increasingly, people complain that others are impolite, self-absorbed, uncivil or just plain rude. News headlines and a multitude of academic studies seem to indicate this is the case. But is it possible that many people simply think they're being honest or authentic, not realizing (or not caring) that their behavior is experienced as unpolished and rude? That they're actually being jerks or boors instead of mindful citizens making a positive impact on their community?
Tip—All great changes start within
As Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." And as Jesus, another great wisdom teacher suggested, "You see the splinter in your brother's eye, but overlook the plank in your own." The truth is, when we point fingers at and make judgments about others' behavior, it's a great idea to scrutinize our own to ensure we're acting in the way we expect others to act (or criticize them for not acting). You've probably been criticized by someone and found yourself thinking, "Look in the mirror, Bubb." Perhaps a bit of advice we can take to heart ourselves! To polish your own interactions, check out these terrific tips:
— Five tips for being authentic (but not rude)
Get more interpersonal communication quick tips
Situation—A passive-aggressive drives you crazy
You suddenly find yourself at the mercy of the passive-aggressive (P-A), who you're certain is trying to drive you insane! Why? Maybe the P-A, whose underhanded, behind-the-scenes efforts to derail, control or thwart your efforts seem harder to peg, and thus harder to confront. After all, maybe you're just seeing things; maybe it's you, you think. He just doesn't come right out and say no to an assignment, for example. Instead, he'll nod and then just not do what you've requested. When questioned, he'll give an excuse, such as not knowing you expected something, or that something else required his attention. The ultimate is when you, in frustration, can't move forward or end up saying, "Fine, I'll just do it myself!" He's a master of manipulation.
Tip—Check yourself, then your response
Many people find the passive-aggressive tough to deal with, which is why, like other types, he hangs on to this behavior: It's been a successful way for him to feel secure and in control. But as endearing (not!) as this behavior can be, it's often very counter-productive. Not only can it be frustrating for you, but it can derail positive efforts in the organization and cause star employees to get frustrated and head elsewhere.
It's always good to check whether your filters or communications are adding to the problem, yet don't take responsibility if the person is demonstrating P-A behavior. My favorite book of hints on dealing with difficult personalities is The Bad Attitude Survival Guide, by Harry E. Chambers, which has a nice little section on the P-A. Until you have that resource handy, maybe this tip will help save your sanity:
— The P-A has been successful using this behavior because others rarely, if ever, call him on it. That's the power of his power trip! One approach might be to be forthright: "You know, John, this behavior strikes me as very passive-aggressive. I'd like you to complete the assignment, because it's important that we keep this project on schedule. When today will you have that to me?" The P-A may try to deflect responsibility back to you; if he does, simply restate the point, emphasizing that the position requires someone who is willing and able to complete the assignments as requested, on time; is he, or is he not?
If you think you need more communication fuel to give you the skill and confidence to be forthright with the P-A, view the articles listed below.
Situation: You're clinging to outdated positions
We all do it, and we sure notice when someone else does it. What might it look like when it crops up in an average day? Let's say you're in a meeting and, in response to someone else's ideas, you find yourself defending the status quo. And, much to your own amazement, you don't stop there. You find yourself advocating a position just because "that's the way it's been done in the past" and extolling the virtues of "just doing it the way we do it now." What's the worst part? You're not a big fan of how "it's always been done." You just found yourself entrenched in defense of a position that might have outlived its usefulness, but maybe you fear a change to a new way of thinking or doing.
Tip: Ask a question and open your mind
If you are the one reacting to new ideas or positions that you don't particularly share, take a breath and ask a question instead of slinging off the usual "it won't work" or "that's not right" response. Replace the old retort with questions that help you learn something new about the idea, approach or opinion that is in front of you. For example, you might simply say, "That's new to me. Can you share a little bit more about what that might look like in action?" or "That's interesting. Would you mind sharing how you came to that perspective?"
Situation: Others stifle your visionary ideas
You’re asked for feedback and ideas on an upcoming, high-profile project. The project team leader categorizes your ideas as "off base" or stops inviting your feedback altogether.
With the company encouraging innovative thinking, rewarding ideas that get implemented, and honoring "change agents," you’re puzzled — if not miffed — by this response.
What’s going on here?
Tip: Do a reality check
Sometimes, we’re so enthralled by an idea, that we don’t see the full picture — and how our idea fits into that picture. Take responsibility for shepherding your visionary idea into reality by:
• ...identifying whether there’s a better way to communicate your visionary thoughts in a way that is relevant to others in the organization. Have you linked the idea to the organization’s vision, how it will help achieve the purpose of the project or benefit the bottom line? Focus your "pitch" on benefits that your audience cares about.
• ...assessing whether your visionary thoughts need to be adapted for relevance to your group. Might there be a mismatch between what you want to achieve through these ideas, and what the group is interested in or needs to accomplish? Honestly evaluate your ideas and their application and intended results.
• ...considering the possibility that your ideas might need to find expression elsewhere. It’s okay if they do. The point here is to recognize where your ideas can come to fruition in their fullest potential — rather than thinking that there is only one possible avenue through which they might become a reality.
Want to browse more handy intrapersonal mastery tips? Check out our Mastery-Tips Archive.
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